Self-Examination!

I admitted that I was a terrible girlfriend a.k.a. wife. I didn’t know what had gotten into me because my emotion was like riding a roller coaster. It was up and down in a minute without my realization. It sucks! I know. I had been trying so hard to control my emotion from breaking loose like a mad dog but to no avail. Just one simple matter or a word could trigger my emotion outburst.

Okay, so what’s wrong with me? I had been feeling guilty each time I lost my temper. I hate myself because this was not ‘me’ at all. I also tried to self-examination on why I am acting like this and what went wrong with me. Here are the possibilities.

First possibility might due to the loneliness. I was alone and lonely most of the time. It made me become a ‘selfish’ girl because I could only think of myself. I did it my own way. I went on my own way. I didn’t have to think of others. I seldom talked to people plus with the technology today, people seem not to use their mouth but fingers to communicate. See, people nowadays are using whatsapp, bbm, facebook-ing and other social media to communicate.

Another possible reason was I withdrew from socializing....not completely, just getting less. Okay, I blamed it on the age again. When my age is growing, I become more individualism. I hate socializing. I dislike crowd. I hate the loud noise – some people intended to talk loud or laugh out loud or faking a laugh although is not funny at all. I dislike talking to people especially strangers.

Third, my insecurity and low self-esteem. Surprisingly, yeah it is. I was lack of insecurity and had a very little confidence in myself. This reality world made me felt so insecure and scared. Again, I blamed it on the age. Growing age, more or less, has a little bit to do with my confidence and insecurity. Aren’t people will gradually fencing up or hiding in their own comfortable zone to prevent themselves from getting hurt when they felt insecure? Like protecting ourselves? The most feasible example, a tortoise.

Fourth, my boyfriend a.k.a. hubby. He is a good man but not a good lover, I can say. I was fine when I was not talking to him or when he’s not around me. He does have a great influence on my emotion. Some sort of ‘unseen-able’ power, I think. Alright, I do love him. I miss him too. But I was acting like a mad girlfriend who spoiled every moment and starting the quarrel whenever we talked or seeing each other. He really got on my nerves even though he kept silent and not doing anything. I know, I know. I was wrong. I felt guilty too.

Last but not least, the darkness of my past. Whatever the past experiences were haunting me. I could forgive but I could not forget. The scar that left behind was burning on my skin. It kept reminded me of the pain. Although sometimes I tried to shrug off and forget, a series of all the past incidents kept flashing back to me. I was struggling between the light and darkness. I was wrestling with myself everyday to forget. Am I pushing myself too far? Wondering what were the past that I was talking about? Believe me, there’s nothing glory to show or bring it out to people. The past had turned me to who-I-am today. Both good and bad.

The whole thing sound ridiculous, right? Even he is saying that I was crazy and suggest me to consult a doctor. That’s really hurt me because he is supposed to be the one who will understand me, protect me or trust me. Sigh. So is my brain wire really gone wrong??? Should I really consult a doctor or receiving some kind of therapy??

Relax, man! I am totally fine. Perfectly normal except my emotion went wrong, at times. See, I did self-examined but the problem is, how to solve? I can’t find any solution to prevent myself not to go haywire. All these should not be revealed here because it was like getting naked in front of the public. I didn’t care anymore as I desperately need a place to express my feelings. (see, this is what they say IT World~)

I am still finding the LIGHT and preventing myself from falling into the dark tunnel.

Conclusion is I phailed ..... as a girlfriend a.k.a. wife. I phailed in managing my relationship. I phailed.....for not being a loving person.

Just forget everything I said here! It's all bullshitting~ o(^.^)o